Random thoughts...on writing and the comfort of your own company

 

I miss pouring out all my feelings on a computer screen. There just is a difference VS writing it out on paper. I can edit, I can read what I wrote immediately without having to struggle over reading my own chicken-scratch handwriting and my hand doesn't cramp up as much. When I was pregnant, my wrist was immobilized hence even writing or typing was impossible.


These hours in the evening (the magical 10-12 pm Golden Period) is usually where I become pensive, reflecting on the day that was and where the "spirits" swirling around me and the voices inside my head make itself heard the loudest. BFF mentioned the other day how I was her journal, how writing seemed weird to her because it felt like talking to a wall. I wonder if journaling is something only privy to an introvert's arsenal.


That would be a shame, though.


Journaling and writing to yourself in journal, or even talking to yourself thru a tape recorder (if you're a better orator than writer) speaks VOLUMES about how comfortable you are being on your own. Pandemic aside, I think one of the greatest reasons mental health issues (especially depression) are so rampant in society today is because we are unable to be on our own.


Talking to ourselves is excruciating; because it forces us to TRULY look at ourselves. With no audience to "perform" for and "applaud" us, we put down our masks (the Shakesperean-y ones, not the face masks haha) and gaze at our imperfect, vulnerable faces with flaws we keep well-hidden, weaknesses we work so hard hiding from others.


Not that I am advocating for isolation as a panacea for MH issues, no… I meant that we are so comfortable getting a front row seat watching the car crash that is others' lives (hence the popularity of reality shows) but we head for the door as soon as that proverbial "camera lens" points our way, especially when we don't look 'our best.'


Even more so in this generation of curated IG collages and social media lives and posts, when we believe that this "curated perfection" is the norm.


And WE are the freak for not fitting in.


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