Dear Ivy (aka I.V. aka Internet Void)

As this blog just serves to be my little corner of the internet, I felt a little brave (but vulnerable) to type this out here. 

I worry.

I worry a LOT.

But these days, my topmost worry is about MONEY.

Given my background, that is terribly ironic. 

Ironic-bad as in it makes me cry to think I am at my mid-30s still having no secure financial ground under my feet... 
Ironic-amusing as I had promised my younger self that when I grew up, I would NEVER let money drive my actions nor let its absence drive me to start arguments with my partner or emotionally "deprive" my offspring.
Also because I AM that (annoying older) millenial who always thought that money is a tool, not a goal.

I am ashamed to say this, but because this is a very lonesome cave, I can shout about it (in all CAPS) without much concern.

I'm freaking SCARED, internet void 
Can I call you Ivy for short? 
It seems better to pretend I'm writing a letter to someone... also makes me sound a little less cuckoo

Every frigging day, the thought of "What If" runs round & round my head.
What if... I hadn't gone into med and "wasted" 11 years of my life serving the underserved and instead served the well-to-do?
What if... I hadn't spent that much for my wedding?
What if... I had just taken the US MLE and left this godforsaken, ungrateful country for good?
What if... I didn't get pregnant immediately and just earned some damn funds first?
What if... I had pushed the hubby to find a job abroad before this effing pandemic started? 
What if... what if... what if...

It drives me insane.

It's been a year into this pandemic.
a YEAR.
And we are right where we were one year ago -  5000 cases a day and climbing... the vaccines being held up and prioritized for healthcare workers (good) and shitty politicians and cronies (bad).

I try my best to keep up appearances.
I pay the rent and bills on time. I still buy groceries with only one amount in mind (ie total budget), I still fill up the virtual shopping cart at Shopee & Lazada (but I never check out).

Although I know we are 1-2 months shy of going belly up, there is still hope because I'm still working.
But my work depends on patients, patients who aren't really "urgent" cases and therefore will peter out...sooner rather than later.
And the more these cases climb, the lower my chances to earn gets.

Harsh but true.

Every one is having a difficult time.

Aside from my bank account's dwindling amount, my frantic "rigodon" every time the monthly dues come knocking on the door, it's the little things that bug me.

Like stretching out a meat viand to last for 3 meals...
Wearing my underwear out so much...
Not putting any products on my face as everything has expired (my last beauty haul being 2019)...
Only having one pair of good flats to wear to work...
Walking because 1 tricycle ride x 4 working days is already 2 packs of your baby's wet wipes and you CAN'T (in your heart of hearts) exchange THAT...
Forcing yourself to skip one meal so you could save and finding out after two weeks, you haven't even moved the scale (haha that one's on me)...
Not getting outside help because it costs too dear...
Not hiring a secretary..
Sweating it out in the summer because an AC is too expensive...

Most of all, I fear my deprived state would rub off on my LO (little one).

I feel bad when I tune out while she watches me, messaging strangers and patrolling FB groups for other income streams I could utilize...
I feel bad putting my daughter in (all) secondhand clothes...
I feel bad not celebrating every month she gets older (like I had fantasized way back when) because I have to work..
I feel bad that I can't buy her toys or a decent bathtub because it needs to go to milk and diapers.

But most of all, I feel bad because it's either:
A. More than half the people in the country is doing far, far worse than me aaaand
B. Most of my peers (from high school or college) are doing way, way better.

It's the irony of my life.

I rant and sigh like this probably once a month, Ivy.
Then my inner steel kicks in and I put my game face on, because I know that when I start to feel hopeless, everything will fall through.

So I can't.
I do it for my husband. I do it for my daughter.
I do it for the patients (who are still waiting for their reports from me haha)

***

Not related (or somewhat related) but it's the 500th year of Catholicism in the Philippines today.
The Pope, in his message, mentioned that:

Sometimes we look for joy where it is not to be found: in illusions that vanish, in dreams of glory, in the apparent security of material possessions, in the cult of our image, and in so many other things. But life teaches us that true joy comes from realizing that we are loved gratuitously, knowing that we are not alone, having someone who shares our dreams and who, when we experience shipwreck, is there to help us and lead us to a safe harbor.

May His Grace be sufficient, may this Storm pass.

 


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