On not being enough...

 As this part of the internet seems hidden from most eyes, I feel it more liberating to write free-range here than any other platform.

I purposefully delayed writing during my pregnancy because for most of it (probably 2/3 of it), I admittedly wasn't "in" it. This is crazy, especially when I think back on the luxury (time! we were rolling in it!) of open space and reflection it afforded. 

But it's that tricky thing - Fear - insidious and deceptive - that continuously robbed me of what was THERE. Every week, old fears (disguised as anxieties over "new" events) would surface and had me on a mental hamster wheel of thoughts, comprised mainly of the following:

"How can we survive this?"

"If I can't pull myself together, what does that mean for LO?"

Having binge-watched many of the "alta" vloggers that peppered IG and Youtube to "prepare" in my spare time didn't help either. The glam / breastfeeding/ baby-wearing/ baby-led weaning/ intentional parenting/ homeschooling mamas were an "industry" (and yes, it IS a business moreso nowadays) and was perfect fodder for my (baseline) insecurities. 

Less patients and more time on the mindless part of the internet almost sent me into a tailspin. I am very prone to social comparison (actually my blog name is less of a declaration and more of a goal) and it took all of my previous hard-earned lessons on mindfulness, practising staying with the thoughts without necessarily "running" after them or panicking and a LOT of healthy distraction for me to overcome that bump. 

So by the middle of it until a few weeks before I gave birth, I was amazingly "zen" (in quotation marks as it may still be neurotic relative to other mindful mamas). I appeared calm and "ready" in my sister's and friends' eyes; they remarked on my "easy" pregnancy and how I seem so put together (despite counting pennies in our bank and living off just enough for a couple of weeks).

But we pulled through. And still continue to.

Don't get me wrong. The anxieties are still there, amplified even more by LO's actual physical presence. 

Twinges of guilt eat at me -for not providing a nice pregnancy photoshoot, for having 90% of her stuff as hand-me-downs from relatives and friends, for giving birth in a small, secondary hospital (that didn't even practice EINC :-( , for feeding her formula in the first week, for blacking out from exhaustion and leaving her to cry (sometimes) as I got too tired, for being without a yaya, for not drinking the necessary preggo milk, for giving in many times to unhealthy cravings, etc. etc. --- the list was endless. 

All the ways I could not be enough.

And yet...these were also ways your Daddy or I stepped in, even in our limited capacities... eschewing social media trappings and "what should be's" for what both of us truly valued.

We were both present in your first day and continue to be present and available 24/7 until now (in your 3rd month). We know all your little quirks, can tell your temperament already and delight in sharing when one or the other had "successfully" guessed the meanings of your little cries, or put you to sleep in under 15 minutes. My emails to Future You from Month 1 are kilometric and I plan to continue  documenting everything in my way (that is to say, in writing), even without a high-tech camera or smartphone.

When your Daddy and I would look back on this time, only JOY would be there...We may not have the perfectly-captured photos or blogger-approved paraphernalia to prove it, but we were, on all accounts, present. 

Even in my capacity as a dev pediatrician and "studying" these things in theory, I'm still surprised at how parenting is continuously teaching me everyday. The most fundamental things remain to be the simplest.

Your daddy trying to stage an amateur photoshoot with Typhoon Rolly emergency lights and your cousin's stuffed toy. Cover c/o your Tita V and Tita L. :-*